All You Need to Know

• It feels like it's my fault

  It's easy to think that you've done something wrong or your actions have caused the arguments, but that's not the case.

  Sometimes dealing with emotions can cause people to have arguments - that's not a result of anything you did or didn't do. It's also not up to you to fix their problems or make everything right.

  Hearing your parents or carers argue can make you feel sad, guilty or angry - that's normal, but it's important to remember you are not to blame.

• How can I spot an unhealthy relationship?

  Negative themes appear in an unhealthy relationship. You might not notice them all at once, but you could see:
  
  

  Lack of respect

  Where a partner doesn't offer respect, for example, trying to pressure their partner into agreeing with them or doing something they don't want to do. A partner might threaten to break up or give ultimatums if they don't get their way. 
  
  

  Lack of trust

  When a parent or carer breaks trust through cheating on a partner or lying to them and doesn't appear to care.
  
  

  Dishonesty

  A parent or carer keeping secrets or telling lies to their partner. 
  
  

  Dependence

  You might notice they feel like they 'cannot live' without their partner, have lost their own identity and don't know what to do when they aren't around. This can result in an imbalance of power in the relationship. 
  
  

  Lack of communication

  A partner might not talk about how they feel so neither partner feels understood. Sometimes this can lead to arguments because of miscommunication. 
  
  

  Unhealthy arguments

  Unhealthy arguments can happen frequently when a problem doesn't get resolved.

  This can look like:

  • Partners putting each other down with insults or patronising them
  • doors being slammed
  • Yelling and shouting at each other
  • Swearing at the other person
  • Ignoring a partner or 'giving them the silent treatment'
  • Being passive-aggressive, by being abrupt with the other person, changing their tone of language to dig at the other person, slamming cupboards and putting things away noisily or moving things their partner needs

  When an unhealthy relationship has a power and control imbalance it can become a problem.

  Find out more about control and power in a relationship

• What does a healthy relationship look like?

  Some common themes from a healthy relationship include:
  
  

  Respect

  Listening to how the other partner feels and talking it through even if they don't always agree with what is being said. 
  
  

  Honesty

  When parents or carers are comfortable with each other they can be honest and open with their feelings.
  
  

  Compromise

  When your parents don't agree, compromise means that they can calmly find a middle ground that they can both be happy with.
  
  

  Identity

  When a couple keep their individual identity including their style, personality and interests rather than changing for the other person.
  
  

  Communication

  A couple will calmly speak to each other when there are issues and let the other person know what is going on in their lives.
  
  

  Arguing healthily

  We all argue, and it can be healthy to get your views across to feel heard. Parents who bicker or argue, but listen to each other's point of view, avoid insults and manage to resolve the problem are having healthy arguments. 
   

  Understanding

  When two people take the time to listen and try to understand how they can support each other. 

  Each of these themes works towards building a healthy and equal relationship. 

  Find out more about equality in a relationship

• Who can I talk to if I'm feeling stressed?

  Dealing with family conflicts can make you feel all kinds of emotions, and it's important to have a healthy way to let those feelings out.

  Find someone you trust and talk to them about how you're feeling. You can be honest and tell them if you feel sad, angry, confused, or even guilty. Sharing your emotions with someone you trust can really help and make you feel less alone.

  If talking is hard, activities like writing in a journal, drawing pictures or making music can all help.

  Finding friends with similar experiences can also help to make you feel more supported.

• What can I do to help the situation?

  It’s not your job to fix the arguments. Their conflicts are between them, not because of anything you did.

  It's normal to want to help and make things better, but it's also important to focus on your own feelings. You can't change their actions, but you can control how you respond.

  Setting boundaries means knowing what you can and can't handle. It's okay to say "no" if they try to involve you in their arguments or make you uncomfortable. Let your parents or carers know that you love them, but you need some time and space to think about your own feelings. It's okay to protect yourself and make choices that are best for you.

• Should I talk to someone professional?

  Sometimes, talking to friends and family is enough, but you might also need to speak to a professional person for help.

  Talking to a school or college counsellor who works with young people can be helpful with difficult issues at home. 

  If you can't get professional help right away, there are helplines like Childline 0800 1111.

  If your parents have separated and you are worried about your family arrangements, you can contact Child Contact Centre for advice.